So Many things....

So I haven't written in a while and I have been going through a bit. First off I am trying to get my health under control and that takes alot of time and patience. I am on a 1300 calorie diet for now and I am seeing a weight loss surgeon to have the bypass done this year....around June-ish. I am also going to a endroocrinlogist to get my diabetes under control and it is helping slowly. My headaches and nose issues are still about the same but I have tried the rinses of my nose yet, I am scared to try that, but I am going to next pay check. My doctor increased my meds for my headaches and I will go back to my ENT if my headaches dont get better with the med increase and the rinses. I have put on a little weight with the 1300 cal diet :( and that is causing my lower back to hurt alot! My endrocrin doctor isnt concered about the weight gain yet though. My job is going well I have been there for alomost a year now and I have cut my hours back for now to 44 hours a week till I have my surgery. My family, well that is the big stress in my life! Sister is mad at me again for stupid facebook drama. My mom is still drinking, she actually fell tonight and cut her arm....my dad has COPD, and still smokes cigs. My parents still fight and my mom still comes to me to vent. My dad just doesnt seem to care anymore about anything, about himeself or me. My sister, she has two jobs part time and that seems to have helped her problems with her stomach but she still hasnt gotten diagnosed with anything so we still dont know what or why she has problems. I have alot going on right now and it so hard. I am so scared about the surgery but I know I have to do it. I only have my husband that supports me, my "rock" that is in my family and that is hard as well.  I dont understand how family can take and take and take and NEVER give anything back. I have always bent over backwards for my family and friends to help them whenever they needed me I did my very best to be there, but when I needed them, they arent there, the family that is. My friends are more family to me then my blood family is. I have a few songs lyrics that I want to get and piece them and combine them and write another blog about how I feel about my family.....till then....

Family

Well I just don't know where to start.....my heart is breaking.......
To start my Facebook got hacked into last night in between the hours of 3am and 1030am and sent a few messages out to a few of my friends. One was to a mutual contact of me and my sister. Now let me remind everyone that my sister holds grudges against me forever, and I mean forever! This message I guess contain some info that she talked to me about on Sunday and she doesn't believe me that it was a hacker, she said that hackers are only computers and if they are human they wouldn't know they if info that she told me. Which isn't true. Hackers can HACK into anything that they want to hence the name. They Hacked into our bank acct over 3 or 4 times not a computer either and took money out each time and not small amounts. I have had my Identity stolen by hackers they can do whatever they want to, but she believes these friends over her own sister. She was just going on and on about she cant believe that I lied to her, when I didn't, and how I cause drama, I HATE drama, this is why I am not friends with certain people! So after everything I have done for her everything I have out up with for her she still believes water over blood! If it wasn't for her and my moms dad I would have been dead many years ago and not many know this, back in high school I think junior year my mom was drunk like always and we got into a fight and I just wanted to die, so I took a knife to my wrist and I started to cut but I couldn't do it because I thought of them, they were my world, my everything! What would Lyndsey do without me is what I thought she would have to put up with my mother without me and I couldn't have her do that, and then my grandfather oh I loved him so much I couldn't leave him I wanted to be around with for every waking minute that he was. That wasn't the last time I tried killing myself because of my mother. So getting back on track to why my heart is breaking.....I get a text from Lyndsey around 1030am asking what I said to this individual and I said nothing I am in bed. From there it just got worse....it is even more clear to me where I stand in this family and what I have to do. I have cut my ties with them, they are toxic to me and my marriage, my life, my health. I am going to write a letter tonight to my parents telling them that I and my husband wont be coming around a whole lot and when we have the room we will get our stuff out of the playhouse, till then I need to keep it cool and I cant say anything about my mom's drinking or anything else, but after that I will drop a bombshell on them and that is when I will cut my ties with them and wipe my hands clean and start a healthy life without them in it. I cant do this anymore. It hurts and I wont say it doenst it hurt very bad, but they don't love me unconditionally, they love me when it is convenient for them and that is not love at all. As for the rest of my family out there I just wish you were closer or I were closer to you I really need you right now and always!!! I miss you so much!!!

Should be sleeping....

Well here it is 3am, and I am still sitting here awake.....having so many things running through my mind. Today was a ok day. It was Super bowl day. Packers against Steelers, Packers won. I went to my Parents house. My dad and sister were at work when I got there so it was just my mom and there long time friend Ray. I didn't get there till after kick off because I didn't want to get out of bed. This was after 3pm.....reason for this is because of my headaches and not knowing what the reason is for them. Andrew is in Nashville TN for a work conference till Tuesday. I miss him like crazy and I am very lonely,but he will be home soon I just wish he would call me or text me more. Anyways getting back to the Super bowl and my parents house. Things were going ok, my mom and Ray had been drinking beer and talking and watching the game with me, Ray was talking none stop....I wanted to put a zipper on his lips, but anyways. I hadn't eaten anything so went to get some chips and dip. I sat at the table in the kitchen to eat some chips and take a break from Ray...that didn't work he followed me. My mom came in the kitchen when he wasn't in there and thanked me for coming over because he was there. He was getting on my nerve's! Ray brought some food over some potato salad, a few sub sandwiches and jalapeno coleslaw, my dad got home around 6:15ish and Lyndsey got home around 730ish we ate except Lyndsey around 8ish. By then my mom and Ray had quite a bit of beer. Ray and Lyndsey were talking about something and he was starting to get nasty with her and it was getting to me so I butted in and said Ray why don't you just go and eat, because he was fixing his sandwich....no he had come back at me and say Lyndsey and I were having a conversation and you weren't in it, and I said well this is our house., then my mom butted in and "Jess". So Ray got ll mad at me for sticking up for my sister and walked outside I cant even remember what he was saying to her it was just so stupid!!!! To boot my parents were in the other room just sitting there letting him say this to her and not saying a DAMN thing!!!! How can parents sit there and let there friend in their house cut their daughter down, I just don't get it. My dad oh he was just teasing her, teasing or no teasing it was uncalled for. Even Lyndsey said to me Jess he does this to me all the time and I get him back most of the time, MOST the time, AND she is USED to it???? WHAT the HELL is wrong here???? She doesn't need that bullshit on top of what she already deals with. My mom was drunk tonight that she was stumbling around and she had even had to lay down after Ray left around 9pm when the game ended, she said she had a headache from him talking so loud, and he does, he gave me a headache...OHHH and he got on me about saying that Michael Jackson killed himself and that he was a homo and all this other bullshit...it just pissed me off. What really pissed me the most was the Lyndsey thing with my parents not doing anything and then brushing it off as it was nothing. I see where I fit into this family now.....I don't! I am a outcast and I always will be. Ever since my Poppie passed away I am really nothing to anyone besides when they need me to "talk" to my mom about her drinking. Well my dad said something to me tonight that kinda hurt. When was saying that Ray was just teasing Lyndsey, he said that Lyndsey knows him and that I don't. Well maybe that is true now but I used know him from before Lyndsey was even born. I just wish I know why my family is the it was and I wish I could fix it, but I cant. I think I just need to walk away....as hard as that is.